Rantings
by BabyGrlKatie14
Summary: Amy rants about her life after Colin's death.


Rantings 

Disclaimer:  Me: Must I really do this?

(The voices of the angry captive lawyers): YES!

Me: All right very well then. I do not own these characters. I wish I did; however I do not. 

(Angry lawyers): Tell them about the song too.

Me: I was getting there, _BEFORE_ I was so _RUDELY_ interrupted.

(The not so angry anymore lawyers): Sorry.

Me: Right, so as I was saying, I don't own the songs but I love them to death. That of course is Laura's fault, actually only one of them is Laura's fault but that's not the point. So is Dashboard Confessional and Sugarcult and Relient K… the list goes on and on but… AAARRRGGGHHH! *Laura comes running in with a large book*

Laura: If you say it's my fault again I'll whack you. 

Me: I was KIDDING! Good god. I love that music, but I never would have started listening to it if it weren't for you. So therefore the fault is all yours 

Laura: *whacks me in the arm* Whatever. I have to go. Kenshin's on in ten minutes.

Summary: Amy rants about how much her life sucks now that Colin is gone. 

[A/N: Okay, so after that lovely disclaimer, there can't be much more that I can say right? WRONG! First off, I DO NOT have angry captive lawyers in my house, just my brother who oddly enough is a lawyer, and angry, and captive. But that's merely by coincidence. Second, Laura is my best friend, not some random girl who decided to whack me with a book, although that did happen the other day, it was really weird.. Okay, so now I'm done and I can continue with the story, which is way more sad than the disclaimer and author's note. Sorry!]

*****

Dear Diary,

I can't believe he died. I knew going into it that there were a lot of risks but I figured Dr. Brown was the best and that nothing could go wrong. Obviously I was wrong. It's weird now without him, I mean other than for the obvious reasons. I used to worry about stupid stuff like getting my homework done, and finding my house-keys, but now I worry about the fact that if Colin can die can't everyone else, and if that's true who am I going to loose next? Mom and dad are worried about me. They say I think too much about it, but the fact is I can't stop. It's like my brain is stuck on Colin, and what will happen next. It freaks me out sometimes. 

I cry myself to sleep some nights. He used to be such a part of me. He was like Bright that way; thoroughly annoying, but I can't live without them. But now I feel like a have a gaping hole in me that everyone can see and feel, and no amount of love or doctoring will help it at all. It hits me sometimes, how much pain I've had to endure over the last year. Most girls spend their sophomore year worrying about which guys like them, and which lip-gloss is better, and how hard that Bio test next week is going to be. That's how most of my friends spent the year. But I spent the year worrying whether or not my boyfriend would wake up from his coma, and then once he did, whether or not he would ever be normal again. I spent too much of my time worrying about him for it to have ended up this way. 

The odd thing is, I was more of the boyfriend and the girlfriend. Throughout the whole experience, I never shed a tear in front of him, I never yelled at him to get better, I just sat there holding his hand patiently waiting for him to magically be all better. He was always the one beating himself up over the fact that he could never do anything the way everyone else wanted. For hours he would scream and yell about how everyone would expect things from him but he could never fill their needs because he wasn't who he used to be. And then he break down and cry because he couldn't stand letting everyone down. And I sit with him and tell him it was all going to turn out okay in the end. I would smile at him thinking there was more of the old Colin in him than he ever even knew. But then depended on him for everything else. He needed me to be there in his moments of weakness, but I needed him to be there for me forever.

When Colin was still alive he had authority, probably more than all the teachers in our school combined. He had this way about him that he could walk into a room and everyone would stop what they were doing and look at him. It was crazy. I used to be fascinated by it. But now he scares me. Whenever I close my eyes I remember something that happened between us. Every time I fall asleep I see his face, or I dream about the way things could be. When I'm alone I hear him speak to me. It scares the crap out of me. I love him and I miss him but it's so weird that everything I see and do has something to do with him. It's not supposed to happen this way. 

He was never supposed to die. He was supposed to live. He was the king of our town no matter what anyone else said. It was almost as though our happiness depended on him. I know it sounds crazy, because it is crazy, but we really did rely on him to be happy. He made everything seem like nothing bad could happen t us. And now that he's gone we don't know what to do because that charade died with him. As much as the Hart's and I feel pain, the town feels it more. They depended on him to know that everything would turn out okay in the end so they feel the pain of that going away. And they feel pain for those of us closest to him. 

I've tried as hard as physically possible to deny the fact that he's gone. But I've come to realize that the faster we accept it and move on the faster we can see that, yes they are gone, but while they were here they had a lot of good times. Colin had a good life. He had his imperfections and he had share of sadness and pain, but he had tons of friends, and the support of an entire town. As corny as this sounds (especially in a diary) I want to end with lyrics from two different songs. First from 'My Immortal' by Evanesence, "And I've held your hand through all of these years, but you still have all of me." That part of the song always reminded me of Colin, especially lately. And then from 'Moving On' by Good Charlotte, "Life. Hope. Truth. Trust. Faith. Pride. Love. Lust. Pain. Hate. Lies. Guilt. Laugh. Cry. Live. Die." That always reminds me that we have all these emotions and feelings, some are good and some are bad but it's how we choose to use them that really matters.

Love as always,

Amy


End file.
